1) Why do we need doctors and nurses?
When we get in an accident, pregnant, surgery, or a heart
attack we
depend our life's to them. Becoming a RN by 2015 and working to save lives. Each and
everyone one of them finished
school, studied to save lives and help people. Working around the
clock
from patient to patient. Looking at nurses go to work in their
outfit and seeing they have accomplished
something. My aunt is a
nurse and I would always listen to the stories about her day. The
studies are
hard and a long processed but it will all be worth it
when I receive my degree and get to work.
2) When I was a little girl I lived in a
neighborhood with a few nurses one of which that graduated
from
Baruch College. She was a former nurse and would lend me her books to
read. I was starting to
be very interested in studying to be a nurse.
The old lady would give me advice which was helpful
for myself. My
father would always tell me how becoming a doctor is the best job
because I would
always be working and making a good living. My
father is the one that pressured me to be a nurse or
even better a
doctor. My parents haven't gone to college because they were poor and
lived in the mountains therefore they expect me to be successful.
3) So many
goals
to look forward to but one of many was to become a RN Nurse. To
become a nurse was a long term dream and I will work my hardest to
become one. The reason why I want to be a RN is because of the few
sick family members I have. I want my people to come to me for help
and for me to cure them. Denying someone was never my thing; I would
always help. Becoming a nurse isn't just loving what I do but rather
a great job worldwide. Doctors and nurses have a job anywhere they go
because they are useful. God forbid USA goes in war the doctors and
nurses will be there helping and saving lives. I want to be that one
that people can thank me, and hold my hand through the rough times.
4) I will
have to study a lot, get perfect grades, focus, and be
determined to my goal. I pushed myself for 12 years in school, so I
am capable of doing another four years. Many people have said it is a
lot of hard work to become a nurse and many have changed their major
but I swore I will not drop down. My mother works for a lady that
works in the medical field. She told my mother to let her know when I
get my degree so she can put me straight to work. It is going to take
time but by 2015 my goal will be accomplished and I will be Nurse
Nikac.
5) Who is going to take care of the
people when they are sick? The ones that are mentioned in the
beginning of this paper. Doctors and nurses are the people we depend
on and thank for there help. I want to be able to save lives and be
respected for what I do. Nevertheless I want to be there for my
family and keep them happy and healthy.
The feedback I'd like to receive is the way i set my essay up. I feel as if the writing isn't in order or not put in a good way. If you can tell me how i can write it to make it sound easy and flow better.
ReplyDeleteThe essay had a good number of strong supporting details. The essay went by real smoothly while I was reading it and didn’t have to go back and re-read a sentence again. The essay showed a lot of personal reasons on why that is their goal and gives a lot of possibilities on how she plans to accomplish it. She explains how accomplishing this goal will affect her both her and her family.
ReplyDeleteParagraph 1:
-Is the thesis clear: Yes
-Is it one sentence and a statement rather than a question: Yes
-How could the thesis be strengthened? The way the thesis could be strengthened is by adding a smaller detail of what exactly she tends to do by accomplishing her goal
-Is there any “attention getting” aspect to the intro and how could it be improved? She does start off with a question catching my attention and giving the solutions to her questions leading into the goal that she pursues.
-Is there a clear “essay map”? Could it be improved? Yes there is an essay map and the way to improve it would be by looking over some of your details and try to find a couple stronger details that could replace it.
-Do the elements provided in the “essay map” line up exactly with the topics of the body paragraphs (and are the in the same order)? Yes, the elements provided to correspond to each topic sentence and support the topic sentence. The order of the paragraphs is correct and supports each other well.
-Is there any extra “fluff”/filler or other “warm up” generic stuff in the intro that should be cut? Please identify it for the writer. The introduction seems pretty well set up the only thing I want to point out is that there are a few incomplete sentences or grammar mistakes but it can easily be fixed, other than that I think the introduction is set up nicely and catches attention well.
Paragraph 2:
-Is the Topic sentence Clear? No
-Does it obviously relate to and support the thesis? No
-How could it be strengthened? The topic sentence and the details didn’t really match so try and keep the details together.
-Do details adequately support the topic sentence? If not, give suggestions. No they do not but it can be fixed quickly so just try and re-organize your ideas
-Is there a nice mix of “kinds” of detail? If not Give suggestions. There are a good amount of ideas you just need to fit it into the correct kind of topic sentence.
-Are the sentences organized in the strongest possible way? If not give suggestions. At the moment no but the details you have are good and strong and you can put it to good use in a different idea.
-Is clarification, “connection” or better analysis needed at any point? If so, give suggestions. Yes there is a little needed but it’s a quick fix that can be done
-Are the body paragraphs in the strongest possible order? Would you suggest rearranging them? How? The paragraphs are in order just need to keep the ideas together.
I didn't get to criticize the other 2 paragraphs but i think the first two had a bit more trouble then the other 2. If anything send me an e-mail.